Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
