No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Holy shit dude........stairs
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
