Cold hands, warm shart.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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