sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
