i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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