i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
