At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
