Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
