I just saw a hot homeless man
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
