Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
