Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
