Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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