Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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