don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
