He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
