I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
