were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
