i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
