as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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