I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
