i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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