You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
