Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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