i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
