I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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