Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
