K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
