happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
