I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
