i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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