I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
