I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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