My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
