I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you win again, gameday.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
