I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
