I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
