I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
