mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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