I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
