When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
