So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
