sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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