look no pants
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
