So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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