i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He shit in the fireplace
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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