so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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