So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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