Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
