hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
