...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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