dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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