Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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