Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
