Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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