watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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